In response to this letter.

Dear John,

Thank you for your letter alerting me to the problem you have been experiencing with my planetary influences. I am sorry you have been subjected to such a frustrating series of events. I pride myself on responding to customers’ concerns very quickly, so I’m writing back to you upon receipt of your letter (open letters are a fabulous way to reach deities, incidentally) with a brief overview of the Retrograde feature in our product, Mercury, and some guidelines for a better user experience.

The Retrograde feature was introduced in 160 C.E. with you, the consumer, in mind. Our objectives were as follows:

  • To automate reincarnation, so as to free Psychopomp deities to answer a larger number of customer concerns
  • To revitalize and animate otherwise “dead” parts of the soul (such as your ability to feel outrage at daily injustices)
  • To facilitate thoughtful communication and giving you an easy out when it all goes wrong. “This damned Retrograde!”
  • To prevent people from overly relying on dumb luck, and thereby becoming lazy and spiritually dissipated

To properly use the Retrograde feature, we recommend the following:

  • While speaking, make a note of the things which upset others around you. The same things which upset people during Retrograde are upsetting them normally, and they simply choose not to hear them. Blame it on the Retrograde, and be much more thoughtful next time.
  • Create space for the Retrograde feature to bring out your sleeping emotional issues and the baggage you have deeply buried. Letting these things spill out during your day-to-day business, or packing them back into your angry subconscious is 90% of the problem. Never underestimate the power of self-sabotage.
  • Spend some time reflecting on how the various Mercury-related facets of your home and business could be made more efficient and durable.

We are aware that, due to the decision of management to crowdsource maintenance during the Middle Ages, a number of bugs were introduced into the feature, and we are working diligently to correct the issue. We are aware of the “Fucktrocious” bug, resulting in straight out missunderstandings of basic facts (such as time and place) and expect it to be fixed by next Retrograde.

I certainly understand your frustration at having your internet service interrupted. This, unfortunately, was a part of the Retrograde feature and not a bug: your service provider cut corners to save money, and their poor decisions are coming home to roost, like poor decisions are meant to do during the Retrograde. It is apparent that we need to train our communications industry team members more thoroughly.

I have spoken with our manager in the English-speaking territories and have instructed him to move your requests to the front of the cue. To open a ticket, simply libate a bit of what you are drinking to Hermes, and your request will be answered promptly.

Please accept my sincere apologies. We appreciate your business and will do everything we can to serve your needs.

Sincerely,

Hermes

C.E.O. Dei Lucrii Inc